The Daily Express guide to cutting taxes


12:44 pm - December 18th 2009

by Unity    


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It is, without doubt, the shock headline of the week.

BENEFITS COST FAMILIES £20 A WEEK

MINISTERS faced fury last night after it was revealed Labour’s welfare benefits bonanza costs the average working household almost £1,000 a year or £20 a week.

The soaring bill to fund Britain’s army of jobless has cost the country more than £28billion for every year under Labour.

This was in the Daily Express, so it must be true and £20 a week –

– fuck me, that’s the price of a meal for a hardworking family of four at the Pizza Hut lunchtime buffet.

So naturally we had to find out just exactly who these thieving bastards are and what’s makes them think they can get away with taking the pizza bread out of the mouths of Britain’s decent hardworking families.

Oh, if only Diana -peace be upon her… oh shit, that’s what the Muslims say, isn’t it? Fuck!!! – were still alive, these bastards wouldn’t stand a chance of getting away with it.

It didn’t take our investigators long to track down Public Enemy #1 – they found the free-loading old bitch in the granny flat they’d had built over the top of their double garage.

When we looked at the figures, we were genuinely shocked to find that those ZaNuLiebour bastards have been handing out £14.5 billion a year to people who – get this – claim to be ‘too old’ to go and get themselves a fucking job.

What a bunch of lazy cunts – and to make matters even worse our investigator found that there’s millions of the bastards out there, sponging off the state and all using the same piss-poor excuses.

Our investigators also found that the problem was even worse than their initial figures suggested.

The £14.5 billion a year that these free-loading old scores are screwing out hardworking taxpayers is just the amount that ZaNuLiebour spends on income-related handouts.

If you include the state pension the figure rises to a whopping £83.4 billion a year!!! And all because, instead of saving for a proper pension, this bunch of ex-hippy arseholes chose to spend their wages on Beatles albums, mini-skirts and flowers to put their hair.

No fucking consideration, the lot of ‘em.

£83.4 billion a year!

That’s a little more than half the total amount that ZaNuLiebour screws out of taxpayers every year to give away to the sponging arseholes that live off state benefits, or nearly sixty quid a week out of the income of the average working household.

That’s three trips to the Pizza Hut lunchtime buffet, which really is taking the piss.

So we asked Jacob Marley, the official spokesman for a tiny bunch of non-domiciled right-wing gob-shites who masquerade as concerned taxpayers to look at the figures and suggest areas where these handouts could be cut back to reduce the tax burden on that hard-working families that St Diana – God rest her murdered soul (we know you had her ‘done’, Phil) – loved above life itself.

“The obvious candidate for making cuts”, said Jacob, “is the winter fuel payment.”

“The direct savings, admittedly, look fairly fairly modest on paper – a matter of only £2.1 billion a year and barely enough for a penny off income tax.”

“But then you have to factor in the indirect benefits of such a policy. Given a bit of luck and a decent cold-snap these senile delinquent scroungers will soon be dropping like flies, thanks to good old fashioned hypothermia.”

“That’s where the real savings are be made”

We asked Mr Marley to comment on the possibility of Britain experiencing just such a cold-snap and received some heartening news.

“Well, the Earth is cooling – just ignore what all the crusties and environ-mentalists have been saying, that’s just another ZaNuLiebour scam – so the odds are pretty good that we may see some significant savings within a year of scrapping the winter fuel handout, giving the government of the day plenty of time to arrange for a good tax-cutting budget”

…

Editor’s Note.

Sadly, while drafting this article, Unity was tragically struck down by Littlejohn’s Disease, a rare strain of meningococcal diarrhoea, and had to go for a lie down.

I’m sure all our readers wish him a speedy recovery.

We did ask a random old person we found outside the local post office to comment on this story. She had this to say, after insisting that we give her a lift home because the icy conditions played havoc with her Zimmer frame:

“The Daily Express? I wouldn’t cross the street to piss on its editor if he was on fire. “

“Now put the kettle on and pass the fucking Garibaldis…”

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About the author
'Unity' is a regular contributor to Liberal Conspiracy. He also blogs at Ministry of Truth.
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Reader comments


1. Duncan Stott

My my…

2. tim f

I know my reactions are hardly typical, but my first thought is “wow, only £20 a week! Bargain!”

For £20 I get to know my grandparents (all 4 are still living) get a state pension, money to keep warm, and a guarantee that they will have at least a minimum income to live on. I get to know that when my little brother finishes university, if he can’t find a job straight-away, he won’t starve. And that if my dad loses his job my parents won’t be thrown out of their house. Apart from the benefits to my family, I don’t have to pay for loads of extra security worrying that jobless people with no source of income might try to rob me. For £20 a week I don’t have to worry about any of that. Fantastic. Wonder how much private insurance against all those things would cost.

3. white rabbit

Why does the tabloid press always report ‘fury’? If there was as much of it about as they claim, A & E would be inundated by whatever medical condition follows from apoplexy.

4. Sunny H

Brilliant!

5. Mark M

Someone needs to switch to decaf.

Tim F – those things you listed aren’t the £20 per week. Social security benefits accounted for nearly £150bn in 08-09 (according to the Pre Budget Report). Based on 28 million households (£28bn divided by £1,000 per household as quoted in the article) that comes to around £5,350 per household – over £100 per week. I can’t work out from the article where on earth the £28bn figure comes from. They seem to quote it and then go off on a rant.

I’m all for benefits reform (I think the current system is wasteful and creates too many perverse incentives) but I have to agree with the gist of this article. The Express isn’t bringing anything to the benefits debate other than a figure and a load of shouting, neither of which adds any value.

6. Matt Munro

Wish HIM a speedy recovery ?? I thought Unity was a bird

I’ll get me coat.


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