And then the bounder said, “Right turn Clyde!” Right turn Clyde? I mean, do I look like a bloody Orang-Utan?

The Eastleigh database has crashed? Brilliant, I shall be King of the Jungle sooner rather than later then…

“you dont remember me in Little Britain? How about now? Or like this? Like this? I’ll let you into a little secret – I’m not actually a politician – we’re making the new Little Britain series! Next week I’m taking on Sebastian as my aide – and then I’ll become prime minister – culminating in me marrying Sebastian;)”

“If they’re slagging my hair now, wait till you see how wide it’ll become when i’m Prime Minister.”

‘Then we smashed the chair through the restaurant window like this’

I wanna be like youhoohoo
An ape like meheehee
can learn to be
huuuman toooo…

“NO NO NO – FROM NOW ON I BAN YOU FROM CALLING ME BORIS JOHNSON – I WANT TO BE KNOWN AS VICKY POLLARD. IF I CAN PERSUADE THE PRIME MINISTER THAT GAY MARRIAGE IS A WIN WIN FOR THE NEXT ELECTION THEN THIS IS A NO BRAINER TO ME BECOMING THE NEXT KING OF ENGLAND”

‘Does standing like this really make me look thinner, or are you taking the piss?’

‘Well I said to him…if you you can do this you’re fit enough to work, you bloody scrounger.’

This is how big a cockhead you need to be to join our party!

“So we sucker Sunny Hundal into running this photo on Liberal Conspiracy, then sue him for breaching copyright! Wizard wheeze!”

‘Which one of you idiots chose that woman as the Conservative candidate?’

“So this week we’re gonna get the police to stand all the picannninies up against a wall, like this, then plant drugs on them. This will win us loads of votes.”

“Then I fucked my mistress like this, but don’t tell our bible bashing candidate”

‘…a childish, crude animated bear becomes so popular that it runs for Parliament.’-LONDON EVENING STANDARD

Veni, Vidi, Vamoose

Damn, the full moon again!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BmEGm-mraE

OK chaps, the Emergency Kaiju Plan… The four of us will ride down the Gherkin on the old velocipedes and into MechaGodzilla. Mothra won’t know what hit her. Tally Ho, Pip Pip.

They said they wanted a cunt this big. Naturally I got the job.

I know you said this was going to be a ‘slow week’ on LibCon because you are writing a book but I thought you might mean that you’d be publishing fewer features – rather than more features that would typically be regarded as ‘slow week’ stories in the tabloids.

I was canvassing in Eastleigh with…forget the name… you know…

Tim Montgomerie fails to understand concept of mexican wave.

So, there was Ms Hutchings, standing on the table, legs quivering, knickers down. As I took a grip I said “Stand by to be ‘Eton’, Maria!”. Every now again, as we paraded round that ghastly town, I’d quietly croon in her ear…”Maria, I’ve just ate a girl called Maria…”. Had the old trout in stitches.

Veni, Vidi, I versa est in simia

“The Telegraph didn’t send the chicken-feed cheque for my column jobby!!! I’ve got the maintenance payments to pay.”

I’m more frightening than Boris Karloff ever was

Who has taken my 12 inch subway.
Is it you Gove , you slimy bastard

I… AM… BORIS!
HEAR… ME… ROAR!

That should do for a campaign slogan, shouldn’t it?

The Great Smell of Brut.

.. and we once got this hat stand elected in Henley just by pinning a blue rosette on it!

“ribblaaahbbbub-thubulubulum” says Boris in his most coherent speech ever