Recent Humour Articles

Benefit cap to lift claimants out of dependency into fruitless job search

contribution by Spacey

A proposed benefit cap will lift claimants out of dependency and into a fruitless search for jobs that don’t exist, says Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith

With unemployment at its highest level since 1994, Mr Duncan Smith has hit back at suggestions that one of the key ingredients of employment is jobs.

“As the system stands there is little incentive for people on benefits to break the cycle of dependency,” he explained.

“If we can reduce the amount of money we spend on the welfare system then this in turn will lessen the need for us to reduce unemployment.”

“When people say to us that unemployment has gone up, we can say ‘yes, but it’s costing us less’”

“The number one priority when employment is high shouldn’t be job creation, it should be about reducing the cost to the taxpayer.”

With the unemployed wallowing in opulence and the disabled and sick clearly faking it, polls suggest that the benefit cap is popular amongst the public, with some believing it should be reduced further.

“It’s all very well saying that putting a benefit cap in place will push thousands of families into poverty, but it all boils down to what people want to pay for, ” said one disgruntled taxpayer.

“There are badgers terrorising our countryside, we have a head of state that doesn’t even have a yacht, we have schools that have copies of the King James Bible that don’t even feature a foreward by Michael Gove!”

“This is the sort of hardship we need to be prioritising.”

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This is a satirical article. Spacey writes more regularly for the spoof news site Newsthump.

Exclusive Interview: William Beveridge backs #spartacusreport

Politicians of all parties say that the welfare state needs to get ‘Back to Beveridge’.

As MPs debate and vote on the government’s controversial plans for welfare reform, Liberal Conspiracy is proud to present an exclusive interview with the man himself.

Here’s Sir William Beveridge, explaining what is wrong with the government’s plans and what should be done instead. continue reading… »

I should have left Nazi stag party earlier that night, admits Aidan Burley MP

contribution by Spacey

After being photographed at a stag party with a man dressed in a Nazi uniform, Conservative MP Aidan Burley has Insisted he should have left earlier because dressing up like an SS officer only starts to become offensive after 9pm.

Mr Burley has apologised for the incident, but insisted that he had “simply lost track of time”.

“When I arrived at the party I noticed that some of the guests were dressed as SS officers and toasting the ideology of Adolf Hitler’s Nazi regime.”

“I could have left in complete disgust straight away, but I noticed it was only 7pm, so I figured I was good to go.”
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Bible similar to Tory policy if you skip stuff on helping the poor and sick, says Cameron

contribution by Spacey

Prime Minister David Cameron has revealed that he is committed to Christianity apart from all the bits about helping the poor and sick, and definitely excluding the part where Jesus throws the money-lenders out of the temple.

With Christians everywhere suffering a crisis of faith following Mr Cameron’s insistence that he is one them, members of the clergy face a difficult run up to Christmas trying to explain to their congregations how the last 18 months of a Tory led government is in any reflected in the teachings of the Bible.
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How we could solve the online male trolls problems

By now, I assume, we’ve all read Helen Lewis-Hasteley’s skin-crawling round-up of the abuse and threats of sexual violence that women writers face on the net.

Anyone who writes online, of course, is used to being called naive, ignorant or just plain stupid, often by commenters for whom it seems punctuation is just something that happens to other people.

The men who make these comments pose a clear and obvious danger to society. But we shouldn’t hate them.
continue reading… »

Criminals to offset cuts against your stuff

contribution by Spacey

People who fail to pay their fine after they have been convicted for criminal behaviour have revealed that any loss in benefits incurred as a result will be offset against the contents of your house.

The news will come as a blow to the government who had assumed that taking money away from a convicted criminal would simply deter them from eating food and wearing clothes.

Darren Henderson, a petty thief from Bradford, said that any move to reduce his benefits would leave him with no alternative but to increase his productivity.

“As a motivational tactic the government have got this spot on,” he revealed.

“If I want to make ends meet I’ll have to up my game a bit from the odd minor offence to more profitable forms of criminal activity.”

“Hopefully this will be just the incentive I need to really make a career out of it.”

The prime minister, who is in Perth, Australia, for the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting, said: “People need to understand that if they are claiming benefits they will face the consequences.”

“Sorry, I meant committing crime not claiming benefits.”

I’m always getting those two mixed up.”

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This is a satirical article. Spacey writes more regularly for the spoof news site Newsthump

Conservatives looking to end rights for Earthlings

contribution by Spacey

Theresa May has insisted that Conservatives must put an end to rights for humans if they want to fulfil their ambition of taking full control of Planet Earth.

The lizard-like creatures have been continually frustrated by the Human Rights Act and will look at the possibility of replacing it with something less focused on humans and rights.

The Home Secretary told the Sunday Telegraph “Humans must be enslaved to allow Conservatives to prosper.”
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Govt to extend length of time employers can treat workers like shit

contribution by Spacey

Chancellor George Osborne is to announce plans to extend the length of time that employers can treat workers like shit in a bid to help employers who like treating Workers like shit.

He is expected to reveal details to a baying mob at the Conservative party conference on Sunday.

Mr Osborne told the Sun: “We talk a lot about trade union rights – but what about the right of the unemployed person to be given a shot at being treated like worthless scum in the workplace and not just the Job Centre?
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Revealed: the secret leader of Labour’s New Entryists

Over at Labour Uncut, Dan Hodges is concerned that the Labour Party is being taken over by political entryists, ranging from “Flat-earthers. Liberal conspirators. Ivory tower intellectuals. New politicos. Community cultists. Direct action die-hards.”

These entryists are worse than Militant were in the 1980s, because at least Militant believed in something whereas these people just want to march the Labour Party round in circles. But like Militant, we don’t know who their leader is. And their diabolical plans to sideline Labour Party members and trade unionists are already influencing the Labour Party leadership.

Now you might expect that over here at Liberal Conspiracy, we’d deny all of this. But, actually, it’s all true.
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Confused on libertarians and hanging? You shouldn’t be

Chris Dillow finds the internet libertarians’ campaign to bring back hanging surprising.

Guido Fawkes is confusing me. He’s campaigning for the death penalty on the grounds that the public want it… And here’s my confusion. Guido has also long claimed to be a libertarian. But libertarianism and democracy conflict, simply because public opinion is on many issues very illiberal.

Luckily, I’m on hand to clear up any doubts and set the story straight.
continue reading… »