How to make excuses for your nasty friends
So, you’ve gone and formed a new grouping in the European Parliament, forsaking your moderate allies in a desperate attempt to stop haemorrhaging votes to frothing right-wing lunatics in the Home Counties (led by a nonsense-spouting twit).
But there’s a catch! Your new alliance is full of frothing far-right loons, and if this becomes a point of mainstream discussion, people might stop moaning about the guy your grassroots keep smearing as “mental” and start to wonder if they really want you in power after all.
But never fear! There are 5 easy steps that your party can take to make this all go away! Do it right and you’ll be laughing all the way into Downing Street…
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Are all libertarians this childish?
When you were a child, the world revolved around you. All that mattered was your meals and your toys and, if you were lucky, you had a galaxy of benign grown ups to bring them to you.
For the first few years of our life we’re all convinced of this simplistic worldview, until, sometime around the age of four, we start getting to grips with the idea that other people have desires and ambitions that are different to, but just as valid as, our own.
Unless, that is, you’re a libertarian.
Last weekend my work took me to Manchester for the Tory conference. There I spent a slightly worrying hour in the ‘freedom zone‘, a fringe venue where those who felt the Conservative party had become too namby-pamby and left-wing had set up camp.
The theme of the meeting was ‘the bully state’, and the panel included Roger Helmer, the MEP for East Midlands. Mr Helmer made a gallant defence of his rights to get pissed, stuff his face, pollute his lungs, and ruin the atmosphere by driving as fast as he likes in a great gas-guzzling monstrosity. People were sick of being told how to live, he said. The state should butt out.
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Improved teenage parent policy
It has come to my attention that due to an administrative error, an early draft of part of the Prime Minister’s speech was circulated and has been reported. Luckily, I have a copy of the corrected version, which I reproduce below with the errors crossed out and the amendments shown in red.
“And I do think it’s time to address a problem that for too long has been hyped and misrepresented by right-wing newspapers gone unspoken, the number of children having children. It is extremely rare cannot be right, for a girl of sixteen, to get pregnant, be given the keys to a council flat and be left on her own, and the number of teenage parents has fallen considerably since 1997.
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Why councils must ban the Daily Mail!
"Town hall bans staff from using Facebook after they each waste 572 hours in ONE month," proclaimed a recent Daily Mail headline.
This was an astonishing revelation: Portsmouth City Council workers were so addicted to the social networking website that they had broken the space-time continuum – compressing 19 hours of surfing into each working day.
Alas, the reality was more mundane. 572 hours was in fact the total usage for all 4,500 of Portsmouth’s employees. Individual use was a less physics-defying seven minutes a month – or 14 seconds a day. And that was during the peak month; average daily use was 11 seconds.
The Daily Mail subsequently amended its headline, though not before receiving a good deal of ridicule in its readers’ comments. (The original headline still appears at the TaxPayers’ Alliance website, whose prolific cut-and-pasting shows a cavalier disregard for such pillars of capitalism as intellectual property rights.)
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Labour spends (nearly) 25.2 TRILLION on quangos!
The cost of taxpayer funded quangos – the shadowy, oddly named things that you don’t really understand but we use to scare you – has hit an incredible £170 billion, or 25.2 TRILLION yen.
An analysis that involved picking numbers from a hat, discarding the small ones, adding the big ones together, then multiplying the answer by the speed of light in a vacuum (C), has revealed they are swallowing up, let’s say, 160 times more money than a certain amount of time ago, or something roughly approximate to that anyway.
In 1997/8, quangos cost a very reasonable £24.1bn, but thanks to Labour cronies given free reign to set up millions more since then, their number and spending have sky rocketed. A guess by our work experience boy puts the number of quangos at 994, while the tea lady says the number of staff employed by them has jumped from 1m a decade ago, to 1.5m today.
The spending on quangos is almost five times the Ministry of Defence’s £35.4billion budget, and billions of times more than my wife spends on the weekly shop.
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Reasons not to care about election night
Conservative Home have a campaign to ‘Save Election Night’, rather than having voting on Thursday and waiting until the next day to count the results.
Counting election results on a Friday, rather than Thursday night, is fine by me – they counted on Friday this year in the county council elections and it was still just as enjoyable watching Labour make gains.
Election counts are great if you win and rubbish if you lose, the timing doesn’t make much of a difference.
I can understand, though, why Tory activists are so keen to have the results counted as soon as possible while some Labour people are like, ‘meh, no harm in waiting til the next day’. But some of the arguments deployed make no sense.
For example, some people seem to think that if the election count is delayed until Friday, then ZaNu Labour will stuff all the ballot boxes to steal the election.
But why would Labour bother to do that, when we could just get Peter Mandelson to use his mind control rays to get the exhausted officials who are doing the counting after having been working all day to ‘accidentally’ count Tory votes for Labour instead?
Only immigrants, sterilisation & euthanasia can save Britain
Now I haven’t actually looked at the statistics, but one thing is clear from the latest Government migration report – Britain is close to bursting point, and it’s only a matter of time before our little island sinks into the North Sea, groaning under the weight of its own populace.
Even the Marxists at the BBC are reporting ‘the biggest population increase for almost 50 years‘, along with the terrifying news that the population has finally balooned past the 61m milestone. The evidence of an impending catastrophe can no longer be ignored: only yesterday I had to queue up in Waitrose behind 3 other people, adding another 5 minutes to my already nauseating weekly shop.
Then, as I was driving home at 6 o’clock, I had to spend nearly half an hour sitting in traffic – caused, no doubt, by hundreds of people all traveling to see their hundreds of children. Make no mistake – there are simply too many people in Britain now.
Normally, it’s perfectly easy for poorly informed commentators like myself to come up with a solution: throw out the immigrants and get rid of the benefit culture that brings them here in the first place. Hundreds of tabloid columnist have suggested this simple scheme ad nauseum over the years, but it’s always fallen on deaf ears.
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Quote of the day
A bit of light entertainment on a Friday afternoon from Freeborn John:
LPUK [Libertarian Party UK] showed some early promise, I thought, but seems to have turned into the saloon bar at a home counties golf club; its members have, for some reason, elected as their leader a cross between Captain Mainwaring and David Icke.
All very odd.
Harriet Harman’s ‘feminist blitzkrieg’
Abusive husbands were left furious today after a “controversial” new drive to reduce domestic violence against troublesome women was unveiled by chief feminazi Harriet Harman.
Under the contentious scheme, children as young as five will be taught that time-honoured traditions of men beating their wives when they take too long doing the dishes or refuse sex because they ‘have a headache’, are no longer acceptable in today’s politically correct, ultra-feminised society.
Shockingly, boys will be indoctrinated that their female friends are ‘people’ with “human rights” too, and just because girls are weak and over-sensitive doesn’t mean it’s acceptable to punish them for disobedience.
But imaginary critics warned that ministers are cramming the already over-stuffed National Curriculum with silly lessons that should be taught in the home, and schools should teach proper subjects like maths and fox-hunting instead of focusing on the supposed rights of nagging women.
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Irony still exists, despite Jeremy Clarkson
Trying to understand what we find funny by dissecting comedy routines is roughly as effective as trying to do so by dissecting the brains of Jim Davidson fans. And slightly less funny. Charlie Brooker wrote a good, but not very funny, column to this effect on Monday.
In the same Guardian comedy special, Brian Logan wrote a bad, and not very funny, column about the ‘new offenders’ of comedy. It’s made worse by the fact that his initial thesis that sexism and racism are back, wearing an Irony Cloak that makes their attackers manifest themselves as Humourless Sandal Wearers, isn’t a bad one at all.
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Richard Desmond happy with High Court win
Richard Desmond, philanthropist, pornographer, adherent of Godwin’s Law, and Great Architect of The Daily Express was jubilant last night after spending a jolly few weeks socking it to silly biographers in the High Court.
Desmond, once described as ‘an appalling man’ by Britain’s most appalling man, told his own newspaper: “It was worth it to stand up in court and set the record straight”, apparently unaware that he’d actually lost the case.
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Political incorrectness gone mad
You may have heard it mentioned by conservatives that certain opinions are practically off-limits, and that lefties have been preventing people from arguing that, say, the traditional family is the best way of raising children or that immigration should be reduced.
For example, I have read or seen these opinions argued for, and claims made about how they have been suppressed, in the Sun, the Daily Mail, the Daily Express, the Daily Telegraph, the Times, the Evening Standard, by religious leaders of all the major faiths, by the Conservative Party, the UK Independence Party, the British National Party, in bookshops, in reports produced by think tanks, on the telly, on the radio, and, of course, on the internet (this is not an exhaustive list).
I therefore conclude that us lefties are obviously doing a pretty hopeless job of using political correctness to stifle freedom of speech, and need to jolly well try a bit harder.
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The award for most absurd defence of Murdoch…
… goes to ConservativeHome editor Tim Montgomerie, who says:
I do not wish to defend every action of the News International empire, but Rupert Murdoch has been an overwhelming force for good in this country’s life and politics. Sky Sports has revolutionised English football.
…
Compared to the increasingly isolationist Daily Mail – which has consistently appeased foreign dictators since the 1930s – there is also something bracingly internationalist about News International.
That is so cringingly bad I think it deserves its own prize. If Rupert Murdoch does not give Montgomerie a job or at least invests in CH then I shall be sorely disappointed. It is funny though, that when Tories get caught in compromising positions then they scream revenge but when its the opposition doing it when they scream ‘whataboutery’. This takes arse-licking to a whole new level. Hey, who cares about your phone being “blagged”, look at least you get footy on Sky Sports!
Daily Mail wants Nigerian criminals to remain in Britain
In a surprising U-turn, The Daily Mail said yesterday that instead of being sent back where they came from, Nigerian criminals should remain in Britain to take your job and rob your house.
Confusion erupted as the newspaper more commonly associated with its pro- ‘put-them-all-on-the-first-banana-boat-back-to-Africa’ stance on immigration also decided it would rather spend more taxpayers’ money keeping brown nogoodniks here than save cash by helping to build a dedicated facility in some far-off African land where they could be pleasantly forgotten about.
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Fairer access to policing at protests promised
Protestors are to be given the chance to ‘opt in’ to kettling at demonstrations, after an ACPO report on policing at the G20 demonstrations recommended forewarning that the controversial containment tactic would be employed.
Senior police strategists are anticipating a positive response to the scheme, whereby demonstrators will be given the chance to stand in a confined space for several hours without access to food, water or toilet facilities, while Territorial Support Group officers hit them in the face with batons – or if they’re lucky, shields.
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Conservative Future force YouTube to pull video (updated)
What does Conservative Future have to hide? A new video by the free online magazine Don’t Panic, on CF, was forcibly pulled by the latter off YouTube “due to a copyright claim”.
(video now below)
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Financial-gain Spotting
created by the talented Beau Bo D’ Or
A naked picnic at Steen’s very large pad
From the people who bought us Warmongers in your neighbourhood?, Don’t Panic magazine, comes the naked picnic at Tory MP Anthony Steen’s very large pad – which he accused taxpayers of being jealous of.
via Guido.
Meanwhile, Sir Peter Viggers is to auction his duck house for charity. Tory MPs are all heart.
Obama’s secret plan to convert America revealed!
You may know that Barack Obama gave a speech today in Cairo, addressed to the ‘Muslim world’.
In an earlier statement he said:
And one of the points I want to make is, is that if you actually took the number of Muslim Americans, we’d be one of the largest Muslim countries in the world.
Guess what Spectator Magazine’s Melanie Phillips had to say?
Just what planet is this US President on? Or is this not a statement but an aspiration?
Oh yeah, whoops! Barack Hussein Obama mistakenly blurts out his plan to convert America to Islam by stealth! Phillips is so absurd that even fellow blogger Alex Massie couldn’t help but mock her:
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Cameron tells Dorries to shut up (updated)
Further to Unity’s post earlier, this storm gets better by the hour. David Cameron has now had to publicly rebuke ‘high-flying Tory’ Nadine Dorries for her “witch-hunt” comments.
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You can read articles through the front page, via Twitter or rss feeds.
» How bad is the feline obesity crisis?
» Why don’t MPs pay back tuition fees instead of increasing ours?
» Obama is right to slam BP – and why capitalists should too
» Why does Phillip Blond see civic cohesion as a security issue?
» So what if the Labour candidates went to Oxbridge?
» Last night’s Labour hustings: will it get interesting or turn to torture?
» It’s now down to Ken to win London for Labour
» The Labour people need
» Blog Nation: what would you like to see discussed?
» The Labour leadership’s token contender.. and it’s not Diane Abbott
» In defence of these fraternal nominations
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